I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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