My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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