the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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