I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
