I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
FUCK WHALES
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
