the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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