my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
