the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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