he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
