Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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