guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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