Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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