i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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