hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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