He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
