I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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