I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
