i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
