he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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