The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
