There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
