Your face is a jimmy john
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
