Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
