I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
