You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
