I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the day after is always just damage control
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
