someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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