I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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