She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
