Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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