LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
