i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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