sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
