if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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