I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Vodka?
Forever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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