how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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