You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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