I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I need to stop coming to work sober
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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