What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
