she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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