I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
