The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
