don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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