I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize