I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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