I cannot find my penis.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
