my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
