He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
