And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
