I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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