My hand turned me down
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
