I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
