this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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