Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
