Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
