Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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