girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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